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Monday, April 10, 2006

Drugs Ordered but I Have Embryologist Issues

I start my injectibles on the 20th which, according to my calendar, is coming up fast. But just today I decided to get off of my ass, which is still clad in pajamas at this late hour of the day, and order my meds from The Apothecary Shoppe in Arizona. I have to acknowledge the pajamas-at-nearly-5:00PM-thing though: J is home sick with a bad chest cold and we hung out on the couch all day drinking tea and watching movies. It's been lovely but now that he's moved on to channel surfing I think that is my calling to get dressed and head out to Ikea to return *stuff*. But, wasn't that a huge digression.....?

So I am not entirely certain why I waited until the last moment to order everything. Part of my procrastination is just my normal routine with unpleasantries: put everything off until a crisis is near to impending. Or maybe it's partly because I wasn't 100% sure if we were going to go through with this cycle or not. Or, on the other hand, it could also be that I'm feeling less panicked than my last cycle where I slipped into control freak mentality over every aspect of my cycle. On some level I realize that there is a chance that my stress levels might indeed be lower this time only because I know the routine. I know how many needle sticks this will entail, how many dildo cam violations I must endure, and that I will be freaking out on lupron in 10 days time. There is definitely some bit of comfort in knowing all of these things that are to come...and pass.

One part of this that feels worse this time is the increased fear of the cycle not working. In my last cycle I was more optimistic, but just a bit. I think Julianna made mention of this in a post, that every woman thinks she'll get pregnant the first time. I wasn't one of them...I wasn't overly optimistic, but I was actually a bit scared that it wouldn't work. My friends all told me to "just believe" and it will happen. The trouble is that I couldn't get myself to believe that. I knew the odds going into that first cycle. And they weren't on my side.

I still can't quite get myself to "just believe" that a cycle will or will not work. Why can't I simply visualize this? I realize that each cycle is essentially a statistically independent mathematical event. Like flipping a coin, this cycle does not depend on the success or failure of the previous cycle. My angst about this cycle not working is a bit more panicked (or is that realism I speak of?) because of this. Nothing that is humanly changeable has been changed. My protocol is the same: microdose flare protocol. My meds are the same (450iu FSH/day). So nothing on the science front has changed. This isn't to say that things haven't changed. It's Spring and the weather is warming and I'm happier by far when I'm warm and cozy. Dr. Z's office will be slower now than he was in January (his busiest month). And there is one other thing, on the downside, however: I am 3 months older. My eggs are that much older, too. One more step towards oblivion.

My rose colored glasses about the infallibility of Dr. Z's office is a bit less pink today. I worry quite a bit, too much (?), about his young embryologist and her credentials. Just how long has she been there? Does she blast huge holes in my embryos with her laser when she does AH? Is she diligent about putting my embies back into their incubators as soon as possible? Or does she sit there gagging while they assume room temperature? There are a few main players in my treatment: Dr. Z, the embryologist, and me. I trust that I'll do the best I can to do my part: eat healthy, try to destress, take my vitamins and drugs on time. I can even trust Dr. Z to remove my eggs and put the embies back in. But my major concern is with the embryologist. I really honestly feel that her role is the most crucial, and she is the one I feel the queasiest about. Part of this is because I don't really know her ("The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't know"). I am going to address this at my baseline U/S next week and see if I can get a moment to meet her and gauge what my intuition tells me. I have spent many years working on a lab bench and I hope that my gut instinct is still good about these sorts of things.

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Comments on "Drugs Ordered but I Have Embryologist Issues"

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:23 PM) : 

I was totally neutral about my cycle. I think everyone else had way better thoughts than I did. I'd probably have been stunned it if worked the first time.

Then when it didn't work, I was fucking floored.

I think I'm going to be way more cynical with the FET. Especially since I'm still with Dr. Moustache.

 

Blogger Pamplemousse said ... (3:21 PM) : 

I know that ambivalence about things working all too well. Even as I start this DE cycle, there is a small voice somewhere saying "Who are you trying to kid, you old crone?".

 

Blogger Coloratura said ... (6:28 PM) : 

You know... I generally prefer younger medical professionals to older... I think they are more diligent, attentive, less jaded and possibly more competent.

Dr. Z has got some pretty high standards... I know he's picky about his egg donors... I would imagine he is careful about who he hires. Remember, he's one of the Bay Area pioneers and he's got quite a reputation to uphold. Plus, he's a workaholic which means he really loves what he does [takes one to know one.] So, I am sure he chooses his staff with a LOT of care... so don't don't worry about that too much.

And you are right, nothing has changed... but even the most perfect protocals/embryos we have seen do not result in pregnancies... sometimes it seem like you just have to go through this stuff until the pendulum of 'your number is up' swings back in your direction. I swear, I think a certain percentage of all this IF stuff is just goddamn luck. Not the doctors, labs, or meds, your age or your eggs, but fate, destiny, chance, whichever you want to believe.

You know what: just forget about it. Just pretend it's not going to happen, that this is just something you're doing for the heck of it. Don't invest in it. If it works, you may have weeks of monitoring to get through... so the less stress you put in to any of it, is going to be better for you. I know... 'don't worry about it'... probably seems Pollyanna (and I'm not saying 'just relax, and it will work!)... but just don't get too invested in either direction.

Let the rest of us do the worrying and rooting for you, that's what friends are for... :)

 

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