The Bitch ReturnethA CD1 Rant

I've been gone since April and apologies to everyone for not visiting your blogs. I've had my head buried in the sand for a bit.

We adopted a beautiful siamese girl kitten, named her Gigi (as I adore Collette), and have been ignoring the elephant in the room for the time being.

But I'm back. I guess you can call it a "break" but it wasn't a total conscious decision to take a "break", per se. For anyone who's told me to take time off from the IVF merry-go-round, the last two months off were for you. Please, no matter what you hear or read from me or in my blog, please do not EVER tell me to take time off again. It does NOT help in the slightest. Waiting creates MORE STRESS pure and simple. I'm no better today than I was in January when I was ramping up for IVF #3 with Dr. Pompy. Well that's not entirely true. I'm down 23 pounds since then so I am better in that regard, alone, but I am bitchier, I have lost time when I have so little time, and now I'm on the edge of the precipice. Again: breaks do not help (me).

Speaking of the bitch (not me this time, but my uterus): AF just arrived with a bevy of cramps. Why does it always seem to do this on a Saturday when J is out of town and I can't discuss with him whether we should cycle or not? Which IVF clinic we should see? All the burning questions that are tearing at me. Do I go to Dr. Pompy's where they cycle every other week? They're close to home but God help me if I get stuck on lupron for two months again. Do I cycle with the folks north of here that continually cycle? Their stats are great and I hear such wonderful things about them.

So I made a rash decision. We're not going to see Dr. Pompy for this next cycle. I'm still peeved at him for not taking any responsibility for the 2 months of lupron reducing my follicles from 12 to 7. My confidence is shaken in him. He said my follicles diminishing was due to my age, not the lupron. I don't think I buy it. Every antral count in the last few years shows about 12 follicles. Two out of three IVFs I wound up with more eggs than my antral count predicted. The major difference between my cycle with Dr. Pompy and my first two with Dr. Moustache is that Dr. Moustache had me on lupron for a short time only.

So we're onto IVF clinic #3. What to call them without divulging their identity? My doctor of choice at this new clinic I would refer to as Dr. Generous (that's a good clue but also sounds a lot like Thalia's former doctor, who it isn't) but they work as a team so tomorrow I'll be seeing one of the "on call" doctors. Fine by me. Dr. Generous and I have only had a phone consult so I haven't yet met her in person. She assured me to just telephone her office on the arrival of my next AF to schedule a baseline U/S, which is tomorrow at 11:15AM. I'm seeing of the male doctors, a name I didn't recognize at all for this clinic. But I'm sure he's just fine. I've seen so many IVF docs in the last year and a half that I'm starting to liken them to the Borg.

So is this IVF #3 or IVF#4? I cancelled my last cycle three days before retrieval and wasted a shitload of menopur and GonalF in the process. I guess we'll call it IVF#4 just so I can keep the damned cycles straight. Honestly, I am less prepared for this cycle than any other cycle I've done. I've stopped doing just about every healthy thing I was doing before this. I'm enjoying wine as usual, drinking coffee (albeit decaf), stopped acupuncture, I'm eating meat again, I haven't been good at taking my vitamins or fish oil. The list goes on. The only thing I've been consistent about is getting in good shape and taking my aspirin & synthroid. Everything else has gone to hell in a handbasket.

I know why this is, too.

Deep down I've felt that I led the exemplary life for a year and a half and where did it get me? Not even a single BFP. Sure I had high numbers of beautiful embryos, but not a one implanted in me. So did living without alcohol and meat for all that time do a thing for me? Hundreds of dollars on acupuncture, trips to Mexico for LIT, IVIg up the wazoo. And nothing. I don't know. I guess if we go into this cycle and I wind up with a palsy three embyros, I'll kick myself from here into eternity for screwing up my embryo count. And I WILL torture myself with that. So as of today I guess I'll clean up my act once again. (I know. It takes about 4 months for recruitment of follicles and anything I do TODAY will have very little effect...allow me my madness, ok?)

I just don't know if this is a good time to cycle. But I'm just about out of time. So try I must. Over and over until I just can't stand to cycle again. I had read a study, or an article about a study, that said when women were offered free IVF, that they (on average) gave up after three cycles. Yeah. That feels just about right to me. I've done three (one cancelled days before retreival) and most days I don't know if I can do it again. Those two months of lupron with Dr. Pompy caused something to snap deep down inside me. The first two cycles I didn't have a hard time with the lupron. But this time it was a nightmare. I shudder to think that I might have to revisit that hell once again.

I am told that a friend can hire me to work at his company as his assistant, where they'll pay for IVF up to $10,000 (that might cover two IVFs actually) but the job won't start til January, when I'll have already been 43 for two months. But I know that time flies by, so I view this try as the last one I'll do out of pocket unless a windfall of cash happens between this cycle and January. So I'm going to keep my mood up as best I can and to keep an even keel on the health kick shit this time 'round as I am really wondering how much of it all is utter madness at this point.

Here goes yet another one. Please keep your fingers, and anything else you have, crossed for us.

Peace out.