10DP3DT

I've been POAS every single day and it's just BFN after BFN. I've been continuing to do my baby aspirin, lovenox, dexamethazone, and synthroid...but I'm back to 200mg progesterone. I'll keep up my high dose vitamins, pycnogenol, resveratrol and I might even stay caffeine, dairy, and alcohol free.

My official beta is Friday morning, less than two days away. It's not exactly 14 days after transfer, more like 12. But any viable embryo would be able to churn out at least 25miu of HCG by now and make themselves known. Seriously. Just check the Beta Base. I'm not being reactionary. If I get a positive on Friday that is 5 or 10miu of HCG it won't be a strongly viable fetus.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. I knew going into this that my chances were really low and that it was a needle in a haystack chance that I'd get pregnant. But it's still hard to look at those BFN morning after morning. They're all taped up on the mirror in sequence so that I can see if there are changes. There aren't. I was in Shop Rite yesterday and Phil Collins was crooning, "There must be some misunderstanding, there must be some kind of mistake", and all I could think of was, "Yes, there must be some kind of mistake. I am supposed to be a mother dammit!! What the fuck!?" I lost it. Tears streaming down my face in bloody Shop Rite of all places. The littlest things seem to be setting me off and I'm sure that a lot of it can be attributed to the hormone fluctuations I've gone through in the last few weeks, so I try to not dwell in my sadness too much. It'll get easier.

So I am gearing up to either go straight into another cycle (and yes I will be doing HGH with or without the support of my physician - but where am I going to get my hands on HGH without a Rx?)...OR...to get my beta integrins tested (and take a month off to also do surgery on my fibroids, endometriosis, and endometriomas)...OR...to just do surgery and skip the beta integrins. The beta integrin issue seems to be highly correlated to the presence of endometriosis, so if Dr. Persian can get rid of my endometriosis, shouldn't the beta integrin issue resolve itself if it does in fact exist?

So many questions I have...lots of calls to make tomorrow to see if I can get my surgery squeezed in next week.