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Monday, May 24, 2010

5DP3DT: I see pregnant people

My morning half mile walk to the train station was just too much today. As I'm walking down a quiet a street, a door slams to the left and jarred me out of my zenlike calm. There, in front of a brownstone front door stood the profile of a very pregnant women dressed in a black stretch dress. Her stomach stretched out and was the only thing I saw. I turned and kept on my way.

If only it ended there.

But it seemed that every child in town was in a baby cart with their mom at this particular time. It was just uncanny. I pass a day care center on my way to the train, but at 9AM most of them are already settled in front of their low tables, playing with toys and playdoh.

I hoped for more than a few seconds that this onslaught of pregnant women and babies was ominous of things to come. But I so hate getting too caught up in the hope of it all.

I am starting to "notice" every child, every pregnant woman. It makes me think of Fran's blog, "Everybody But Me" (check out my sidebar on the left). How she picked such a fitting title for her blog. (By the way, she's finally got a BFP, which is so exciting because she's a tubeless IF like me. One more for the team!)

The little beans are only 8 days into the thick of the cycle and beta isn't until next Tuesday - six days away. My last cycle my embryos didn't live past day 3 so I worry about the little guys that I now have inside of me. I hope, and then I try to bury my hope because to hope is so scary. It opens oneself up to disappointment. If I try to maintain an even keel, a part of me feels that I won't fall into the depths of despair if I get another BFN. But let's be honest, after 8 IVFs and no BFP, it is hard to wallow in Pollyanna-levels of optimism for too long.

I've had lovely cramps on and off for the last few days which I am nearly certain is due to the evil 200mg progesterone suppositories that I'm using each night. They, along with my iron-containing prenatals, slow my GI tract down to a halt, even with the blasted st**l softener. I wish there was some "clear as a bell" sign that would happen upon me that would leave no room for guesswork.

None of us are so lucky though.

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Comments on "5DP3DT: I see pregnant people"

 

Blogger Adele said ... (8:07 PM) : 

This is the hardest slog, right here. And it IS uncanny how many pregnant ladies and small children are afoot. But I'm thinking very good thoughts for your three, that they're preparing to dig in for the very long haul.

 

Blogger Julize said ... (12:43 PM) : 

Some days are just like that, aren't they? I'm never sure to what extent there are actually more of them out there vs. me just being more attuned to it, but it sucks either way.

Hang in there. I think cramps in the 2WW are always a good sign (and I don't buy that it's necessarily the progesterone). Keeping fingers crossed that this is finally your time.

 

Blogger linda said ... (7:36 PM) : 

Hi Julize,

It's good to hear from you. I was concerned for you after your last crash / burn of an IVF cycle. :-(

Today I walked part of the way home alongside a lady that was about 8 months preggers. I can' seem to escape it.

I'm not sure what to make of cramps. I think a bit of it is progesterone, a bit is my GI system backing up because of the same progesterone and also because of my prenatals: they have 35mg of iron in them and tend to make my digestion run a lot slower. So, while I am optimistic that the cramps are a good thing, I'm also realizing that they are likely just the P4 being evil.

I hope you are well! I'll check in you on your blog to see how you're doing.

Linda

 

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