5DP3DT: I see pregnant people

My morning half mile walk to the train station was just too much today. As I'm walking down a quiet a street, a door slams to the left and jarred me out of my zenlike calm. There, in front of a brownstone front door stood the profile of a very pregnant women dressed in a black stretch dress. Her stomach stretched out and was the only thing I saw. I turned and kept on my way.

If only it ended there.

But it seemed that every child in town was in a baby cart with their mom at this particular time. It was just uncanny. I pass a day care center on my way to the train, but at 9AM most of them are already settled in front of their low tables, playing with toys and playdoh.

I hoped for more than a few seconds that this onslaught of pregnant women and babies was ominous of things to come. But I so hate getting too caught up in the hope of it all.

I am starting to "notice" every child, every pregnant woman. It makes me think of Fran's blog, "Everybody But Me" (check out my sidebar on the left). How she picked such a fitting title for her blog. (By the way, she's finally got a BFP, which is so exciting because she's a tubeless IF like me. One more for the team!)

The little beans are only 8 days into the thick of the cycle and beta isn't until next Tuesday - six days away. My last cycle my embryos didn't live past day 3 so I worry about the little guys that I now have inside of me. I hope, and then I try to bury my hope because to hope is so scary. It opens oneself up to disappointment. If I try to maintain an even keel, a part of me feels that I won't fall into the depths of despair if I get another BFN. But let's be honest, after 8 IVFs and no BFP, it is hard to wallow in Pollyanna-levels of optimism for too long.

I've had lovely cramps on and off for the last few days which I am nearly certain is due to the evil 200mg progesterone suppositories that I'm using each night. They, along with my iron-containing prenatals, slow my GI tract down to a halt, even with the blasted st**l softener. I wish there was some "clear as a bell" sign that would happen upon me that would leave no room for guesswork.

None of us are so lucky though.