Hiatus

I should have written this post shortly after the last one because no sooner than I agreed to take the new job, I found out there weren't in fact any IVF benefits to be had. My girlfriend "J" said, "They're a major software company. I am sure they are on the list of companies that have coverage." Well I didn't see them on any lists but I had faith in J that she was on top of her IF stats. Ho hum.

Well, it's not like any company with IVF benefits is knocking my door down, so I decided to stay on and make the best of it. Besides, they raised my pay 30% from my last job and now I'm full time/permanent. Full time gigs are a bit hard to come by sometimes here in the SillyConValley. I miss the flexibility of contracting but this job is an ideal career move for me. It's got a lot more responsibility and the skills I am learning here will easily push me to into a director level position with my next job.

So I just finished week 1, and let's just say that I'm exhausted. My manager quit right before I was hired and his last day is my 5th day on the job. He's forwarded me everything he ever did. Needless to say, the mail server sent me a dreaded, "Your mailbox has reached it's limit" at the end of day 3. So on day 4 I archived my mail. This is a first in my life. It's been like that the entire week and I feel totally overwhelmed. It's literally a trial by fire. Hopefully I'll survive.

So after hearing that IVF was not included in the benefits, I've decided to "clean house". I've put an ad on FGS for my follistim, lovenox, menopur, enbrel, and other lovelies. For the last two days I've been dealing with the typical flakes that one meets online but I've also met a few girls who my heart goes out to. Hearing their stories as to where they are on the IF highway makes my heart break. God how I've been there. Desperate. Trying. Hopeful.

And now? Spent.

In some ways I am relieved to not be trying again. Is it that I've truly given up? Or am I hardened to trying? Or fearful of hurting again when the BFN message comes through at the end of the cycle? I don't right now if I am going to regret my decision to stop trying or not but I do know that I gave it everything I had. There's not a chance in hell that I'll ever say, "I wonder if I should have tried (fill in blank)..." because, ladies, I did try everything. I left no stone unturned.

These days I ponder more of what I will do if and when the times comes for my donor embryos. Will I proceed and try again? Will I change my mind about adoption one day? I sort of feel, or intuit, that I'm not really at the end of this path just yet. It's a hiatus of sorts until the next fork in the road, or until science finds out a way to scrape those damned ovarian stem cells out of me and do something with them.

I might be agnostic, but somehow I have faith that it will all work out in the end.