And Then There Were None

On day 3 I had two grade 2 embryos: 1 at 6 cells, 1 at 7 cells. Anything over 6 is considered "good enough" to progress onto a 5 day transfer.

Today, is day 5. Transfer was due for today at 3:30PM. It's 6:00PM. You can see where this story is going, can't you?

I was at a conference in NYC when the email and call came through from Dr. Italian's office.

Neither embryo divided further. Both arrested at 6 and 7 cells. Transfer was canceled.

The nurse actually told me, "Call me at 10AM tomorrow (Thursday) morning and we'll let you know if anything has changed." I said to her, "Even if both divide and double their cells, they'll be at 12 and 14 cells on DAY SIX. They're still not viable." Let's not even talk about endometrium lining, which would be totally out of sync with a embryo that hasn't even gone morula. Could they do anything to keep my lining squared away until a late transfer? I seriously doubt it. I also doubt that I will subject myself to another fucking shot of PIO in my ass tonight just because the nurse wants to torment me with such silly nonsense.

I canceled my acupuncture appointment. Maybe I should have gone for a stress treatment? I then left my conference early - I'd already told my manager and coworkers that I was leaving for "minor outpatient surgery" and handed off my pass to another coworker who wanted to attend.

I don't know what to think. It's just another fucked up cycle at this clinic. I've had a string of them. For this particular failure, I don't know if I can blame the laboratory, the Dr. Italian for triggering me too early, or what.

But I am done ladies.

I am taking my IVF insurance back to the last clinic to cycle with Dr. Indian at the other famous clinic here in the Big Apple. In October of last year, this other clinic found 4 follicles, retrieved 4 mature eggs, all fertilized, and 3 transferred. This was just six months ago.

Great numbers IMHO. Granted they did a 3 day transfer. Maybe they ALL died on day 4 at the last clinic and I wouldn't be any wiser for it if that was the case. But I'm going back there and I'll ask for 5 day transfers and we'll see. If I do three cycles there and they're as dismal as this, then I'll quit for good. I'll know it's just hopeless. But if my cycles are back to normal with near 100% numbers across the board, then I will know that Dr. Italian's clinic is seriously lacking.

I know my #1 problem is age. I know this. But I'm still making so many good follicles. My FSH is normally quite fine and hovers around 9 save for this cycle when it hit 33, probably due to my doing back to back cycles. (Repeat: I know it's my age).

Outside of my age are bonafide issues though: I do believe without a doubt that Dr. Italian's measurements with the U/S are questionable. 14mm lining cycle after cycle? Maybe. But in October at the other clinic they didn't see that. I also got triggered too early 2 out of 3 cycles and lost ALL of my follicles in one cycle, and 4 in this cycle (2 unretrievable, 2 immature).

So, I'll be swinging by the clinic in a few days to get a full packet of my records and we'll just call it a day. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'll call Dr. Persian in California tomorrow or on Friday to see if I can squeeze in a Da Vinci lap in the next two weeks or so, too.

I hate how I watch myself planning on "what to do next" (eg, cut out dairy/gluten, lose weight, see Dr. Persian, cycle again). In the last hour, I've cried, I've hugged my cats and have covered them with my tears, but I don't feel like I've emptied myself of this terrible feeling of loss. In the back of my mind I find myself thinking that I should be screaming and pounding on the walls. I should be having a fit of the highest order. It reminds of the feeling of having eaten too full a dinner the night before and you feel full for days afterward, carrying a bloated stomach with you. I feel like I'm literally bloated with pain from this ceaseless cycling and failing. A purge is due.