A Good Cathartic Cry

My surgery was on June 30th and I was to do a 6 week followup with the surgeon in California. But when I was there he suggested that I see his brother who has a similar practice in NYC. I was really worried to see his brother because he doesn't take insurance and his office visits are something on the order of $590 a pop (and I don't even know if that includes an ultrasound!). So I got an appointment with Dr. Brother for today, just about exactly 6 weeks after my surgery - sorta good timing!

Anyways, I seem to be healing fine. He did a manual test of (ahem) both nether region areas, felt around, and said everything felt "right". I have odd pains, almost the sensation of pulling or tugging, on both sides in the area where my ovaries are. It's also the area where my sutures were so I can't tell what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I worry that I've developed horrible adhesions as I'm actually more uncomfortable now than I was before the surgery.

I explained all of this to Dr. Brother today and he said that it was normal and that it should subside over the next few months. He did say that because I've had adhesions before, that I've probably developed them again. Sigh.

God, I hope. After seeing only two follicles with my last AF, I truly worry.

Today I had perhaps my first good cry over everything that I've had in a long time. Lately I've been starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. My boyfriend is a stocky hockey player type, 6'4", a manly man type ... but ... he cries during just about every movie we watch. Disney animation even. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth was so sad that it brought tears to his eyes. And then I wonder if I've turned into such a hard ass that I simply can't access my emotions.

So here I was watching "The Secret Life of Bees" tonight and there was a scene were the main character (Lily), who never really knew her mother and felt utterly unloved, sees a picture of her mother and her together. A very adorable photograph where it was so clear how much her mother loved her. It was a heartbreaking scene. And then I realized that being adopted, I didn't have such a picture at all. My mother gave me up and then withdrew, feeling she couldn't get "close" to me. That I needed to bond to my adopted mother. And from there my mind went to the fact that I would probably never have such a photo of myself and my child. That was my undoing.

I came unglued.

Mascara running, eyes puffy, and my two cats disturbed.

I've felt so out of touch with my feelings lately, what with the addrerral and all ... so on some level it was relieving, cathartic even, to be able to just FEEL and release everything that's been bottled up lately.

AF is due in another week - time seems to have flown by this month - work has been insanely stressful. I have to fax over documents, arrange my remote monitoring doctor...and arrange to have sperm delivered to the clinic (I shudder to think how much delivery fees will be)...but I'm close to being ready to go with this next cycle.

I really worry about my follicle count though. I don't know what I am going to do if I have 2 again this next cycle. I really don't.