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Friday, February 27, 2009

Known Sperm Donor Hell

I've been remiss in writing. I've been frazzled with the idea that the new guy and I are likely moving to NYC in April. Freaking out about it is more like it. I've been living day by day not knowing where I am going to be living come April. It's starting to look like we're relocating tho...so it's starting to settle in. I have to take each day one day at a time while this all sorts out.

On the IVF front, it's all going to hell.

As you'll recall: In January I decided to cycle with Dr. Red. They did blood tests, a saline sonogram, got me to do a pap, a mammogram, and an EKG. I've redone every IF test I've ever done. The new guy said in December that he'd donate sperm for my cycle. Everything seemed good.

Until Tuesday. New guy meets with the shrink at the clinic, as he must as he's donating (he's not the intended parent). Unfortunately, he divulges that he's still married to the "ex", whereupon she explains that the rule in said clinic is that he must notify the wife that he is donating sperm to me.

WTF? I nearly fly off the handle.

I don't get it. They're no longer a couple. She has multiple lovers and he has me. We have quite an alternative living arrangement. They've moved on in all ways except legally. What business is it of hers what he does with his DNA? What's more. In divulging that he's donating to "someone", it will be expressly implied that it's for me. So my right to medical privacy is also invaded in the process. The fact that he's doing this for me will be used as a weapon in every argument that they have. I can see it now.

I think this is bullshit and I tried to convey this to the doctor as politely as I could.

The doctor explained that if I were married and wanted to use donor sperm of any kind, known or anonymous, that my husband would need to be notified. It has to do with the fact that they see marriage as a legal bond. The shrink said that it was because the children would have a right to inherit from their father and that this would be somehow jeopardized by my child's existence. Bullshit. I explained to her that it wouldn't matter if they were married or divorced. If I wanted to make a claim for my child, their marriage would no way stop me and neither would it protect the right to inherit of the current children. In essence, whether they are married or divorced makes absolutely no difference to the rights of a child if they decide to flex them. When I said this, she had no ground to really stand on. She just said, "It's our rule."

Well, IMHO, it's a fucking outdated, puritanical rule that doesn't reflect what relationships are really like.

I said to him after his quip that a married woman would have to notify her husband of her intent to use donor sperm:

"So, for instance, if I am a 44 year old woman in a terrible marriage headed for divorce and I want to have another child but my husband doesn't want one and I do NOT want to have one with the man I am married to. Are you going to tell me that I have to wait for a lengthy divorce to happen OR I have to tell him what I am doing?"

Just imagine how this would be viewed in divorce court. Your honor: "My wife wants to use some other man's sperm to have a child..." That would go over really well.

I am sorry, but I think people have rights to privacy, rights to their DNA, whether they are married or not. I don't understand the world that we live in that says that we have to notify people of our intentions to reproduce.

It's just wrong. Terrribly wrong.

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