A Good Cathartic Cry

My surgery was on June 30th and I was to do a 6 week followup with the surgeon in California. But when I was there he suggested that I see his brother who has a similar practice in NYC. I was really worried to see his brother because he doesn't take insurance and his office visits are something on the order of $590 a pop (and I don't even know if that includes an ultrasound!). So I got an appointment with Dr. Brother for today, just about exactly 6 weeks after my surgery - sorta good timing!

Anyways, I seem to be healing fine. He did a manual test of (ahem) both nether region areas, felt around, and said everything felt "right". I have odd pains, almost the sensation of pulling or tugging, on both sides in the area where my ovaries are. It's also the area where my sutures were so I can't tell what exactly it is that I'm feeling. I worry that I've developed horrible adhesions as I'm actually more uncomfortable now than I was before the surgery.

I explained all of this to Dr. Brother today and he said that it was normal and that it should subside over the next few months. He did say that because I've had adhesions before, that I've probably developed them again. Sigh.

God, I hope. After seeing only two follicles with my last AF, I truly worry.

Today I had perhaps my first good cry over everything that I've had in a long time. Lately I've been starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. My boyfriend is a stocky hockey player type, 6'4", a manly man type ... but ... he cries during just about every movie we watch. Disney animation even. Sometimes I look at him and wonder what on earth was so sad that it brought tears to his eyes. And then I wonder if I've turned into such a hard ass that I simply can't access my emotions.

So here I was watching "The Secret Life of Bees" tonight and there was a scene were the main character (Lily), who never really knew her mother and felt utterly unloved, sees a picture of her mother and her together. A very adorable photograph where it was so clear how much her mother loved her. It was a heartbreaking scene. And then I realized that being adopted, I didn't have such a picture at all. My mother gave me up and then withdrew, feeling she couldn't get "close" to me. That I needed to bond to my adopted mother. And from there my mind went to the fact that I would probably never have such a photo of myself and my child. That was my undoing.

I came unglued.

Mascara running, eyes puffy, and my two cats disturbed.

I've felt so out of touch with my feelings lately, what with the addrerral and all ... so on some level it was relieving, cathartic even, to be able to just FEEL and release everything that's been bottled up lately.

AF is due in another week - time seems to have flown by this month - work has been insanely stressful. I have to fax over documents, arrange my remote monitoring doctor...and arrange to have sperm delivered to the clinic (I shudder to think how much delivery fees will be)...but I'm close to being ready to go with this next cycle.

I really worry about my follicle count though. I don't know what I am going to do if I have 2 again this next cycle. I really don't.

Radar Dropping and Things

I dropped off of the radar for a bit after my last post. Sometimes a bit of a shock is enough for to clam up for a bit. I know, prolific me with nothing to say? Last I wrote, I was on CD2 and I went in for my baseline U/S the next day.

It wasn't great news. My FSH has shot up to 17 (from 9-ish) no doubt due to the surgery to remove the endometriomas - the surgeon was very conservative and removed only the endometrial sacs themselves, but I fear that my ovaries are just as traumatized as they would be after and IVF cycle.

This happens, I know from personal experience: I did IVF cycles 6 and 7 back to back without a month in between - when Dr. Italian tested my FSH before cycle 7 commenced, it had shot up to 33. I freaked. But we still recovered eggs (and another fucked up cycle as he retrieved me too early again). In IVY cycle #8, we had four follicles and transferred 3. So I was back to my old self by IVF #8. FSH does recover if you take a month off. You've gotta give those ovaries a month to recuperate.

So this month, 1 month after surgery, they only found two follicles. One on the right (the side that had completely shut down) and one on the left. That I had one on the right side made me happy - maybe the endometrioma was affecting its ability to do anything? It's hard to know. One measured 3mm and one was 6mm. "So small", I thought.

I left and was quite depressed. Two follicles? I simply couldn't justify doing an IVF cycle this month - bad FSH AND only two follicles. Besides, I only have insurance money left for two more cycles.

I tried to rationalize it a bit more: the adderal that the doc has me on is supposed to increase cell permeability - help toxins move out of cells in my uterus, and help good stuff get in. I've barely been on these meds a month. The nurse that worked for him who finally got pregnant after 7 cycles...she got pregnant with him in cycles 5 and 6 but lost it both times. The 7th stuck (she's now in her second trimester). So it makes me wonder if one needs to be on this medication longer in order for it to reach it's full potential (like the 3 or 4 months that it takes for DHEA to affect egg quality and quantity)? I still haven't located a surrogate, so my intention is to cycle and freeze...and if I still don't have a surrogate, I'll do a transfer in the winter or spring and hope for the best.

And a final reason for postponing...apparently prilosec and I do not get along. After my June 30th surgery, my surgeon put me on ibuprofin, stool softener, and darvoset...and added in prilosec to ease my potential stomach upset from all the meds. After two weeks of meds, I started to have horrible GI effects. I assumed it was a C difficil infection and started flagyl ... 7 days later no change. I haven't been able to find a good GI in all of NYC who will see me this month. Three weeks later I'm still sick - not horribly, but having to dash out in meetings to use the bathroom gets old fast. Something similar happened to me in 2005 after another physician put me on prilosec and I was sick for 5 months while my primary care doctor ran test after test trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They did a lower GI, upper GI, U/S of my gall bladder, a radioactive study of my gallbladder, and then forced me to undergo a "fat collection test" (horrific). They never found anything. After 5 months, I went to see my primary care doctor one day but she wasn't in. A young doctor saw me instead. She noticed that I'd been running a low grade fever for months and said, "You seem to have an infection and I am going to treat you for an infection." She wrote me a Rx for Cipro and sent me home. Three days later I was better. Last week I requested my Rx history from this doctor to make sure that it was Cipro that she gave me. Sure enough. And the doctor that saved me? A GI that was filling in that day. So, I am going to start a 10 day course of cipro. It kills off both gram positive and gram negative bacteria, so I should be covered. I hate having to self treat when I have fabulous insurance. It's crazy that I can't see a GI in this huge city.

So, Dr. C encouraged me to cycle on. He felt I had no time to lose. True, but I also can't throw my last two cycle's worth of insurance away on a cycle where I have two follicles and might walk away without a single embryo. With everything going on, healing, the GI issues, not getting my meds in time, not having all my records to them in time, not having a remote doctor set up...I was overwhelmed. I didn't call them back. I was in a bit of a funk over it all considering everything.

Will next month be any different than this month?

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this is all I will get having done the surgery? Perhaps the surgery was a mistake. I wonder. My meds finally arrived yesterday - a few new things that I haven't used before: cetrotide, estinyl (?). All tossed aside while I wait a few more weeks and hope that there's an improvement in my ovary output.

I got the green light from all doctors to use DHEA so it's being added into my mix.