CD10: DS Delivery Anyone?

Got a call from the DS clinic in NYC - they have 2 vials left of my favorite guy left while the rest of his "stuff" is in quarantine awaiting latest results. Both have been reserved and purchased for me to the tune of $300 - not bad. I'll be zipping over late afternoon via ferry to fetch them in person in a canister that has enough dry ice to last days. It feels sorta silly to be trollopsing, quite literally, down Wall Street for such a thing.

I asked my boyfriend if he would accept the delivery at his office, just around the corner, and he was horrified.

"What if our mail room person opens it up before I could get to it?"

Me: "Well, that would be damned funny now, wouldn't it?"

He growled at me and I couldn't help but laugh.

CD9: Slowly I Turn, Inch by Inch

Got to Dr. Czech's office at 7AM for my bloodwork but they weren't clear that I needed an appointment for my regular ultrasound.

Nurse: You need to come in on Monday for your next blood and ultrasound.

Me: What time do you open?

Nurse: 7:00AM

OK, that doesn't tell me the following crucial details:

1. That while they open at 7AM that ultrasounds aren't available until 8AM
2. That ultrasounds require an appointment while blood does not.

I'm not sure why these ladies don't understand that they gave me half the information that I needed. My other half was totally exasperated that we had to wait until 8:30AM to get squeezed in for an U/S. Actually he waited out in the car while I stood next to the U/S sign in sheet asking every U/S tech that walked by if she could please see me as my other half was supposed to be at work in NYC (81 miles away) at 9AM and how horribly late we were. Finally a nice Russian U/S tech took pity on me and squeezed me in. We waited 1.5 hours but we were out 8:30ish.

Oy.

So here's the data from today:

• 2 follicles at 6mm (oh why are they so small?)
  
• 1 follicle at 15mm
  
• lining is 11mm (wow)
  
• FSH 7
  
• E2 295

I start cetrotide and 3 vials menopur tonight, continuing with the .02mg of EE2. NO gonal-f whatsoever? Wow. Cheap cycle.

They said they wanted me in for an U/S tomorrow but I protested (my!) and said that I might be at 17mm or 18mm tomorrow and that when I have been triggered that soon in the past that I'd had empty follicles and immature eggs. She said that if I was sure that I could push off until Wednesday. Whew.

That drive is just killing me.

So I'll order DS tomorrow and see if they can bring it to my house tomorrow - and I'll drive it down on Wednesday morning.

I told the office that I wasn't sure if I was transferring into myself or a GS at this point and that I would like to do the FDA bloodwork for a GS.

It's a lot to coordinate in two days, but I know from past experience that I'll figure it out in due time. I have a 2 day seminar that I am in charge of next week (Nov 10 and 11) and I am horrified of trying to manage that, 2 days of bed rest, and the seminar all at the same time.

I am irked that I didn't have any flexibility in scheduling the seminar - I didn't want to confide with my manager in my treatment as I've rarely seen it work out well when an IF tells her manager. I've seen the time away from work used against women friends of mine undergoing IF treatment and worry that I'll be the victim of similar treatment. So I've kept my mouth shut and here it is affecting my cycle.

Sigh.

All this for one follicle.

Crazy isn't it?

I am leaning towards just freezing this one and moving into another cycle in two months time. Stockpile as many as I can and then decide when I am more rational. I have to cycles that my insurance will pay for and then I'm on my own again.

I am such a hopeless romantic, thinking that if I transfer an embryo into me that it will grow. But, then I think, "If anyone can do it it's Dr. Czech". But how many times have I thought that "If anyone can do it, it's Dr. ?"

More times that I care to admit.

Dr. Moustache
Dr. Pompy
Dr. Generous
Dr. Indian
Dr. Italian

and now,

Dr. Czech

After 8 retrievals, I just don't know how to trust anyone completely. And I don't have the luxury of time at this point.

What to do?

Sperm Donation: On Donor Profiles

When you're in the market to buy sperm, anonymous or open, you can nearly always pay a fee to download a profile. California Cryobank, as of today, charges $17 to download what they call their "long profile". It contains SAT scores, medical information, and a few extra details outside of the short (free) profile.

One has to wonder how truthful these profiles really are. How many of these 20-something men really know their ethnicity or family's medical history accurately enough to convey it to women trying to conceive? These guys are being paid about $100 a shot (sorry) for their sperm and what is the incentive to spend hours filling out medical history forms in order to do this? "Grandma, I need your medical history so I can donate sperm and get $100 a load. Can you please help me out?" I'm sure these conversations rarely happen and so I have to question to validity of the data that these donors provide.

One donor, whose information I paid for, when asked why he was donating honestly said that he was doing this for the money, plain and simple. I appreciate his honesty. I really do. But I'm a prospective buyer and I would plan on buying the entire packet of information for my child, and in there my child would read that their genetic father donated sperm for money.

For money.

At least adopted children have a better story than that. So my child would be greeted with the idea that the impetus for their existence amounted to little more than a couple hundred dollars in their father's pocket?

I am sorry but no matter how good the donor looks on paper, I would never want my child to read something so base, so unfeeling as that, for the reason for their existence.

Another donor that I considered, because the clinic said that he was quite attractive, said that he had smoked pot EVERY DAY from 1999 to 2006. The profile showed that he applied to be a donor in 2007. Oh really. So he decided to stop smoking COMPLETELY in 2007 just so he could donate sperm? Seriously, we're supposed to believe this? THC, the active ingredient in pot, is absorbed by the fat in one's body, and can wreak havoc in the body for a period after one has ceased to smoke. And so when I give my child THIS donor's profile, and s/he asked, "Gee mom, why did you pick this donor when he was a druggie?" what on earth would I say? Scratch this one, too.

After reading profile after profile, paying $17 for numerous profiles, I realized what a gimmick this sperm bank crap was. They really need to do drug testing and make a subscription model so that us prospective parents can do a thorough screening of the sperm donors.

I don't trust these young men's profiles. They're being paid. They're anonymous. I question their motives. There's no accountability or liability should they have lied that known genetic mutations run amuk in their families. And most of them probably don't know the difference between Serbian and Slovakian when citing their ethnicities.

It's so scary to be in the position of having to rely on donor sperm to become a parent. Truly, it is. I applaud Sweden and other EU counties for doing away with anonymous donor sperm and only hope that the U.S. will wise up and follow suit.

Known Sperm Donor Hell

I've been remiss in writing. I've been frazzled with the idea that the new guy and I are likely moving to NYC in April. Freaking out about it is more like it. I've been living day by day not knowing where I am going to be living come April. It's starting to look like we're relocating tho...so it's starting to settle in. I have to take each day one day at a time while this all sorts out.

On the IVF front, it's all going to hell.

As you'll recall: In January I decided to cycle with Dr. Red. They did blood tests, a saline sonogram, got me to do a pap, a mammogram, and an EKG. I've redone every IF test I've ever done. The new guy said in December that he'd donate sperm for my cycle. Everything seemed good.

Until Tuesday. New guy meets with the shrink at the clinic, as he must as he's donating (he's not the intended parent). Unfortunately, he divulges that he's still married to the "ex", whereupon she explains that the rule in said clinic is that he must notify the wife that he is donating sperm to me.

WTF? I nearly fly off the handle.

I don't get it. They're no longer a couple. She has multiple lovers and he has me. We have quite an alternative living arrangement. They've moved on in all ways except legally. What business is it of hers what he does with his DNA? What's more. In divulging that he's donating to "someone", it will be expressly implied that it's for me. So my right to medical privacy is also invaded in the process. The fact that he's doing this for me will be used as a weapon in every argument that they have. I can see it now.

I think this is bullshit and I tried to convey this to the doctor as politely as I could.

The doctor explained that if I were married and wanted to use donor sperm of any kind, known or anonymous, that my husband would need to be notified. It has to do with the fact that they see marriage as a legal bond. The shrink said that it was because the children would have a right to inherit from their father and that this would be somehow jeopardized by my child's existence. Bullshit. I explained to her that it wouldn't matter if they were married or divorced. If I wanted to make a claim for my child, their marriage would no way stop me and neither would it protect the right to inherit of the current children. In essence, whether they are married or divorced makes absolutely no difference to the rights of a child if they decide to flex them. When I said this, she had no ground to really stand on. She just said, "It's our rule."

Well, IMHO, it's a fucking outdated, puritanical rule that doesn't reflect what relationships are really like.

I said to him after his quip that a married woman would have to notify her husband of her intent to use donor sperm:

"So, for instance, if I am a 44 year old woman in a terrible marriage headed for divorce and I want to have another child but my husband doesn't want one and I do NOT want to have one with the man I am married to. Are you going to tell me that I have to wait for a lengthy divorce to happen OR I have to tell him what I am doing?"

Just imagine how this would be viewed in divorce court. Your honor: "My wife wants to use some other man's sperm to have a child..." That would go over really well.

I am sorry, but I think people have rights to privacy, rights to their DNA, whether they are married or not. I don't understand the world that we live in that says that we have to notify people of our intentions to reproduce.

It's just wrong. Terrribly wrong.

Changes

Being that I am between cycles, I haven't had anything new and exciting to report on from my IF chair. I am still waiting for my shipment of Enbrel to arrive so that I can start the process of getting my immune system to calm down. Hopefully it will not only stop my psoriasis, but stop my hair from falling out (which has been going on since about CD10 or so of my last IVF cycle). My hair looks like shit. It's thin and dry. I used to have beautiful thick blond hair. Just last fall in fact. Some of my friends say they don't notice, but god, how can't they notice it? Why are they polite and afraid to say what they see? I saw Dr. G for my yearly two weeks ago and it was one of the first things she commented on. Perhaps, just perhaps, this enbrel will stop this hair falling out business in it's tracks and give me another lovely drop in my FSH as it turns things around, once again.

Last time I took humira, for somewhat similar reasons, I saw a great drop in my FSH. From about 9.5 or 10, all the way down to 5.6. It didn't help us get pregnant during FET#1, but it could have been crappy eggs from the previous IVF that was to blame. Dr. B used to think that women whose cytokines were extremely elevated were susceptible to ovarian and egg damage. He felt that patients such as that needed to take humira or enbrel on average of 17.4 weeks in order to get the maximum effects. My cytokines have never been in what he would call the danger zone, but because of my psoriasis outbreak, it's clear that my immune system is just whacked out and needs to be addressed.

I'm prepared to take it for that long for my psoriasis alone, so if it boosts my* chances with another IVF cycle all the better. Some studies show a slightly elevated risk of certain types of lymphomas for psoriasis patients that take enbrel and humira. I've also heard that they tend to disappear once the medication is ceased. I am not really sure what to believe but some days it just seems worth the risk. Some days, when I am feeling really down about this whole IF thing, I think that life would just not be the same without kids so I'll take the risk. Then my brain kicks in and straightens me out. So I'll ask my docs to monitor me as closely as they can for any indications of things going awry.

Otherwise, I have a tentative hysteroscopy scheduled for October 11th. I've been negligent in committing to the appointment but I really should have the good Dr. G take a look-see to ensure that all is fine inside. I've had sono-HSGs, chromopertubation tests, but never a hysteroscopy. Dr. G has explained that a sono-HSG should show any uterine abnormalities, but I really would like to know for sure that the 7 dwarfs haven't taken up residence in my uterus before shelling out another five figures for the next IVF.

I've managed to accumulate approximately 6.5 days of my IVF meds from online friends...thank you so much ladies. I can't tell you how much everything helps. :-) But I think you know.

---

*J has decided he has had it with the whole IVF thing. Maybe even with being a parent. Our experience with IF been incredibly hard on us. Beyond words. I know that nothing really needs to be said for those of you that have, like us, endured multiple IVFs, failures, and what lupron can do to a couple. It's enough to destroy the best of couples. We've all heard tales of couples that separated or divorced after multiple IVFs yet the woman trudged on alone and was finally successful without her mate. Or wasn't.

I won't describe what has happened here out of respect for J, who was insane enough to give this URL out to friends, family, and coworkers. But, in a nut shell, it does not look as though he will sign on for another IVF whether or not I am hired onto a company that has benefits. I am assuming that I will be doing this next cycle alone and for myself. And that is fine by me. Yes, I am sad about it all, god, f*cking stunned is more like it, but I've had a few weeks to heal and I will keep trying because that is really all that I can do.