CD1: The Bitch is Back

One day off of the progesterone p-pops and she's back right on time. Egad. No rest for the weary. My poor nether regions are subjected to stress upon stress. My other half looks at the end of a cycle as the restoration of our physical relationship - while I feel like I just want to send my uterus off to Jamaica for a vacation.

Thanks for your comments about this last cycle crashing and burning. I know that with IVF#7 failing, I started to talk in earnest about using a surrogate. Then I didn't go through with it. I got all Pollyanna that I could do it on my own. Silly me. What was I thinking? I know we all want to trust our bodies to do what it's designed to do. I'm no exception to this.

As I mentioned a few days ago, I'm having insurance nightmares. BCBSTX (my cobra plan) said they're in 2nd position and Aetna says they're in first. It's actually true that Aetna is in 1st position, which means that after Aetna gets through paying for this last cycle that I'll have two cycles left.

TWO left. Gulp.

I truly feel my back is against the wall. I can afford to pay for a few cycles cash beyond that: Aetna has a deal with my clinic that they pass onto patients after they've exhausted their benefit: $5000 for a cycle including assisted hatching but, for me, since I'm using donor sperm and the sperm is of "good quality", ICSI is out of pocket. It doesn't matter to them one hoot that I have older eggs with thick zonas, or that nearly every sane IVF clinic out there recommends ICSI to all patients so as to boost fert rates. Imbeciles. So less than $7K for a full cycle including meds (which are covered at $15K/year without limit on years). I've paid much more in the past.

So it's doable to cycle a bit more beyond the two, but really...can I? Should I?

I'll be 46 in November. I have fibroids. Endometriosis. Endometriomas. I clearly have a major implantation issue going on. Julize, thanks for mentioning the EFT and beta-integrin tests. I think that the research is cutting edge. I truly do. I am just not sure that I have the time to do the treatment that they require, and in the case of EFT, I'm not sure what the treatment is as I'll explain in a second.

I've considered EFT and beta-integrin tests in the past but doctors I've chatted with say that the beta-integrin test can vary from month to month, so it's not hugely reliable. If you test in a "good month" you may miss a true underlying problem. I think that the cure for a bad beta-integrin test is lupron (2 months of it). Dr. Nezhat (leading endo surgeon affiliated with Stanford) cautions against the use or lupron for endo patients. So what to do?

Now on the EFT (endometrial function test) test that Dr. Harvey Kliman at Yale is doing - I'm not sure what the "cure" is for a bad EFT test. Yale put out an informative video on their EFT test, but doesn't say what the cure is. They list 5 reasons for an endometrium to have "gone bad":

1. endometriosis (check)
   
2. hydrosapinx (check, tubes were removed)
   
3. over or underweight (check. I could stand to lose a few pounds)
   
4. perimenopause (check, I'm 45 and have one nonfunctioning ovary. I'm near certain that I am in perimenopause)
   
5. stress (check, just had an 8th failure. I may feel calm, but who knows what my body thinks of it all?)

So I have every single one of the redflags for imlantation / endometrium issues that Yale has identified for putting my endometrium at risk for malfunctioning. I've fixed #2 by removing my tubes. I am a typically calm person but it's hard to gauge how my body is really responding to stress. I guess maybe testing cortisol / adrenaline levels might give me an indication if I am under more stress than I realize. I can lose weight and help #3. But #1 and #4 are vast unknowns. What can I do for endometriosis and perimenopause that will definitely change my endometrium?

My pelvic MRI is scheduled for next week. If they do surgery, they might be able to get the endo into a manageable state. The False Unicorn that I am starting to take (tastes horrible!) is supposed to restore balance to the female tract. Maybe I can help #1 and #4 a bit, but do I gamble my embryos on this?

I plan on calling Yale and asking to speak to Dr. Kliman, who is the author on the EFT write-ups, but hopefully he will (1) talk to me, and (2) have advise for what I can actually do.

So maybe there is hope. But still, despite hope, hope doesn't feel like it's enough anymore. I feel that it's a losing battle ladies. I honestly feel it's time for me to pay the piper and hire a surrogate. In the last 24 hours I've asked myself, "If I could just pay the $30K or so and have my own biological child right now would I do it?" The answer is yes. A resounding yes.

What is in my power is to make the best damned eggs my body can possibly make and then put them into a fresh young uterus where they are safe.

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Update: I think I've figured out the EFT test and subsequent treatment that Dr. Kliman at Yale is proposing. It's fascinating, it's complex, and it's convoluted. But I honestly think it might work. It makes perfect sense to my science-minded brain. But still, even if I explore this route, I'll be looking for a California-girl surrogate to carry my last embies.

Post-MS Anyone?

I am thrilled that AF arrived, but I found myself in a bit of an emotional slump today. I wracked my brain to figure out what was wrong with me and then it dawned on me that I hadn't had many periods this year given all the IVF attempts we'd undergone. I'd forgotten, literally forgotten, that I'm one of those rare birds that doesn't get PMS (as in pre-menstrual syndrome), but I instead go through a bit of a Post-MS of sorts.

Many women find themselves feeling cranky, bitchy, desperate to eat chocolate *before* their periods. Not me. Mine screwed-up hormones kick in afterwards. In this case, CD3. I find myself depressed, sad, weepy, just plain miserable. I don't fly into rages, but find myself feeling more withdrawn and sullen. I don't understand why this is. One friend, a nurse, said that maybe I'm having a sort of negative feedback reaction to the increasing hormones at the start of AF. Hmm, maybe.

I haven't met anyone like this. Anyone else as whacked-out as me out there?

She's Heeeeeeeeeeeere!

As if nothing was wrong, AF showed up nice and bright this morning. I've never been so relieved to see her make her appearance. I still don't know what the delay was about but as Pamplemousse said, it's probably just my "bloody hormones" (dear girl, was that pun purposeful? heehee!).

Hmm, what else? Thursday night I took my first shot of enbrel of the 50mg variety (or is that 50mcg? Frightening how I didn't bother to really look this time). I haven't noticed any unusual symptoms. I've been extremely tired that last few days but that's probably all normal considering how little sleep I get, what with two frisky kittens who drop their toys on my sleeping head at 6:30 in the morning. I 'do' find myself looking at my scalp multiple times throughout the day scouting for a reduction in plaques in my quickly diminishing hairline. Yes, the hair is STILL falling out, but it seems to be slowing just a tiny bit.

Lastly, I just picked up a couple bottles of a predigested form of folic acid to help with the MTHFR issue (otherwise known as the "motherfucker gene") and am hoping to get my folic acid stores up in time for my next IVF cycle. Yeah, I know it might not happen ever again, but there's nothing wrong in "getting healthy". Anyways, with the MTHFR gene comes the increased risk of strokes and other issues if left untreated...so it's just one of those things that gets taken care of in the throes of trying to get pregnant.

There you have it. Nothing important save for my dear lost AF who finally made her way back today. Whew.