Lonliness in the Clinic on Retrieval Day

If you've been following me, you know that the worst part of IVF for me isn't the 2WW. It's retrieval day. I'm usually in pain and I'm freaking out about getting to the clinic on time. Although it generally takes me 45 minutes to get from my front door to the clinic on a weekday, the trains don't run as often on weekends...so I gave myself 2 hours to get there today. Good thing I did, too. By the time I stopped by one of my fav bakeries for a "post retrieval treat", I'd only sat in the clinic for about 10 minutes before they called me to go back.

While I sat there waiting, I looked around and took note of all the men sitting in there, waiting on their partners. Many women also had girlfriends there with them. I felt very alone in that moment. No one had made the trek with me to make sure that "I" was OK. "D" was home with his two sons, trying to get a bit of early AM sleep. I realize that this isn't going to be his child, I am using DS and he won't be on the birth certificate, either, so do I really expect that he would be there with me? No, I don't expect it but I wish he would have been. My heart sunk a bit, looking around that room and feeling so incredibly alone in that moment.

I was relieved when they called me back so soon so I could escape being the obvious single woman in the room.

I went into anestheia 45 minutes shy of the 36 hour mark. I always lay on the OR table envisioning the clock ticking just a little too far and my follicles exploding into my body instead of being retrieved. I am thankful that it has never happened to me. Yet. (Running to knock on wood). One of the directors of the clinic did my retrieval today. He was an older doctor...nice...but I've grown to love the lady doctors here and was a bit bummed to get him instead. I think men are rougher with the needle and speculum. I also had a different anesthesiologist and he was a bit harsh with the IV. It was one of the more painful IVs of my life and I have a bunch of red inner arm marks to show for it.

So, I went in with 6 follicles all on the left side and they retrieved 4 eggs. The doctor said that I had empty follicles in the rest of them. I always wonder if they're truly empty or if it's more about technique. I do realize that at my age that they're probably empty but this thing with "empty follicles" didn't start until this year. So it's a new phenomena for me. And a disconcerting one at that.

Anyways, I'm happy for the 4. I won't bitch about the number. I am a lucky woman to be getting 4 at my age.

I treated myself to a massive vanilla French praline and a double gelato after retrieval. I've been without sugar for about six weeks and today I'll enjoy just a bit. Tomorrow it'll be back to the grind of eating healthy and keeping insulin levels on the low side.

Fish OR Swim My Ass!

Some idiot told me that raccoons with either FISH or SWIM, but won't do BOTH at the same time.

BULLSHIT.

I took J to Costanoa for his 43rd birthday...just one night to get away from the house, my mom, etcetera, and we come home last night to find that the stinkin' raccoons ATE 3 of my 9 fish. I had 8 red and 1 black: it's a feng shui thing, the weird number. The black fish was my favorite. He was about 4" long and very friendly. I called him my "little shadow". All of them were friendly, in fact. You could stick your hand into the water and they'd rub up against your wrist, fearless. I bought most of them last summer to "feng shui" my pond.

So late last night we come home and a neighbor came out to greet us as we were unpacking the wagon. He said my mom had come over in a fit and said some animal had gotten into the pond. Six of the bricks that line the pond had fallen into the water. They couldn't tell how many were gone. They put the bricks right and couldn't get the pumps to work so they left it as it was.

The two fish food containers were opened and fish food was sprayed all over the patio.

We hosed down the patio and cleaned up everything last night at 10:30 when we came home but as it was dark we couldn't see how many fish were missing. The water was still murky from the filters being off. About 3" of water was missing from the pond, and I remember filling the pond just a week or so ago. Water doesn't evaporate THAT fast in our pond.

This morning I can tell, so far, that two of my red fish, and my favorite black one, are gone. The others are huddled together on the bottom of the pond and won't come up to feed. No shit. The little buggers are scared to death. I don't blame them.

I'm kind of pissed that we left for the weekend. I always wake up with the raccoons show up and I shoo them off before they can get to the fish. The one night we leave, they show up. Damn. Yeah, they're fish. But they were pets to me. They make me smile each morning when I walk out the front door and see their cheery little faces swishing around near the surface in anticipation of being fed.

Poor little fish. I feel so bad.

Whoever it was that told me that raccoons with either "fish" (ie, hunt) or "swim" but never do both at the same time was whacked in the head.

"Go take a look at my pond and then go bury your head in the sand a little deeper."

My fish hate you.

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UPDATE: My *favorite* black fish was spotted swimming in the pond this afternoon! Yay! The largest one is missing a few scales so I hope that s/he doesn't get an infection and get sick. Fingers crossed.