Serendipity

I never knew my biological father growing up as my mother saw fit to never tell him that I was born. When she found herself pregnant with me, she casually mentioned to him that, "There's the possibility that I am pregnant." My father, being the controlled skeptic that he is, said, "OK, let's wait and see." She was offended that he didn't wed her on the spot and she ran off. She didn't want to give birth and actually tried to find someone to abort me. Failing at that, she flew to California where she left me with her Aunt, my Great Aunt. I never knew my father, but I knew OF him and spent countless hours in the university basement going through microfische phone books, looking for my father. I found him 6 years after I left college, when I was 31 or 32 years old and flew out a week later to meet him and my family.

My newfound family welcomed me with open arms. They could have been skeptical but apparently when I got off of the plane, my aunt said that I was the spitting image of my father. From then on, no one questioned that I was my father's daughter. The feeling of belonging that meeting them made my heart melt. They even made me a cake with frosting that said, "Welcome Linda" on it. I shed tears of joy at how open they were to my coming into their lives.

There was one cute little girl at this party: my niece. She was all of 3 years old at the time and very shy. Cute bouncy, curly hair. Adorable. While I remember her as clear as a bell, I know she doesn't remember the meeting.

Fast forward 15+ years. She and I just reconnected on Facebook and spend a large portion of each night writing back and forth to each other, sharing what is going on in our lives. I am enjoying getting to know her immensely.

She's pretty, very intelligent looking, likes to wear squarish glasses like me, and very tattooed which gives her a bit of an edginess. She's passionately vegan and wants to open a business one day that lets her interact with this community.

In our discussions I shared with her my trials with infertility and how I'm going to try until I can't try anymore.

She replied back with, "Have you considered getting a surrogate maybe?" I explained that while I would love to use a surrogate, that I'm hesitant to. I worry about someone changing their mind, about someone holding the child hostage for more money, about them disappearing right before the birth only for me to never see them again and my child is lost forever. I know these thoughts are irrational. But they persist.

She wrote back and said the most amazing thing to me.

She said she would love to be my surrogate.

MY SURROGATE.

This cute little bouncy niece of mine, who I have met once, has offered to try to carry a child for me.

I am stunned by her lack of fear of the process, by her sheer generosity. Of course I wanted to say yes and start planning things on the spot, but this is serious business. She is 19, this will change her body, this will be her first pregnancy.

I told her to think hard on it. That she would need to get a bunch of blood tests and probably go through a uterine check for polyps and septums.

She didn't seem at all disturbed by any of this.

I'm excited, shocked, hopeful. All at the same time. To have a family member carry a child for me is the best I could hope for. She would be offering, attempting, to carry her cousin. How wonderful is that?

I am trying to not get too excited over this. People change their minds. She might change hers. But I hope not.

This is a glimmer of hope that I hadn't dared hope for.

More Confusion

So I wrote to Dr. Italian last night questioning why I should call their office back today at 10AM to get an embryo report.

Here's what I wrote:

Hi Dr. Italian,

As you know my embryos arrested.

Nurse J told me to call her at 10AM tomorrow to “see if anything changed”.

Six day old embryos with less than 20 cells….would you really transfer them if there IS a change? I can’t imagine my lining would be prepared to “hang around” in the proper state of receptiveness while it waited for these embryos to grow to blast and hatch.

Any thoughts on this?

His reply:

Day 6 lining is fine..we have done many tx on day 6...the limiting factor will be your embryo. if it blasts by tomorrow it is worth transferring, and i have seen it happen enough to know you never give up until the end of day 6.

And me:

Each had 6 and 7 cells today (same as on day 3). If a blast has 70-100 cells, each cell needs to divide 4 times within 24 hours. Is that possible? I can’t seem to find anything online about speed of embryonic cells.

Hoping against hope I stuck a needle of PIO in my hip last night before going to bed.